A Dive Trip

Oily silty water leaks onto uneven sidewalks, toward a crowd of wet sandals waiting to depart to relative paradise. Wealthy Indonesians, foreign tourists: from Japan, Germany, Australia, America; fleeing the stench of smog and littered rivers.

Dense bands of trash: plastic bags, wax coated cartons, plastic silverware, cans, bottles, cups. It floats on the face of the water like the strings of the universe, expanding and contracting with the current.

Toilet only slightly better than a hole in the boat; there is no seat–squatting only–a single handrail for stability crossing the chop.

A green interior mimics submersion under cloudy skies, air flow amounts to breathing through a straw at depth.

Container ships casting heavy wakes born of deep drafts, the ripples of international commerce; LNG vessels, lined with spherical tanks full of frigid low-pressure liquid; dingies and traditional bagan, floating precariously like the local economy, propped up on makeshift platforms of bamboo stilts.

The city retreats into smog, blue sky emerging with distance from the myriad high-rises and office buildings––monuments to the truest of human creation: absolute destruction.

Pilot cuts engines, puts them in reverse to free the props of seaweed, most passengers share concerned looks the first time.

Some islands heavily speckled with buildings, pink brown roofs and beige walls. Others have nothing but trees, a dark, dense green standing against the grey of the clouded sky. Yellow and white huts stand off the shore, balancing on stilts.

Arrive at Putri, discover we are the second twin of identical arrivals, greeted by topless mermaids filling the sea from pots.

Disembark and wait not in line for room keys, learn that I will share with the big German, Gunter.

Aside from trees there is little vegetation, though a recognizably foreign calls in the trees.

The rooms are two per structure, constructed of cement, foundations raised off the thin layer of sand covering packed volcanic dirt.

Thirty or forty yards from the low seawall is the reef, blocking the chop of open water, leaving gently rippling water inside.

The room is dim and cool, even with all lights on. The A.C. is set to 18c, but the contrast to the hot, humid air outside is welcome.

We suit up and head back to the pier to pick our gear and assemble it–those of us taking the course; those at the island for fun dives are exempt from this. The boat men load the equipment, then we board the Anemone, fitting our feet between the tanks laid port to starboard between the benches along the sides of the boat. The roof is low, but no one hits his (or her) head.

Traveling to the dive site it starts to rain, growing in intensity from drizzle to a steady pelting. The air is robbed of heat, and everyone wants to hurry into the water. After discussing the plan we don our equipment, and back roll off the edge one at a time. Floating on the surface, the world is grey and diffuse, once-visible islands seem millenia away, and the nearest are but thin lines of forest green.

Immediately the cacophony of aquatic clicks and distant marine motors presents itself, an alien world just a broken surface away. The water is warm and salty, more pleasant than the shallow, chlorinated practice pool. Once all are in the water we descend to twelve meters along the anchor line, relieving our ears against the pressure as we go. See dive logs…

Lunch is a traditional Indonesian meal, fried chicken, deeply marinated grilled fish, rice, spinach(?), and squid with a fragrant mix of red and green peppers with tomato, served buffet style. Despite my bday unfamiliarity with Bahasa Indonesia, I recognize the word boleh and bashful giggles multiple times. The staff scavenges the deserted plates, bowls, glasses, spoons and forks.

A pretty young girl with slightly protruding ears and a sharper than normal Indonesian nose, hair pulled tightly back, stands out. She has delicate red flowers tucked above her ears, which lessens the protrusion and accents her deep brown eyes. She wears the uniform shirt, a red batik polo, with a form-fitting black skirt with vertical ribbing, drawing attention to the modest bulge of her ass, the firm, beautiful foundation of her legs, leading to her sandal-clad feet. She is dutiful and gorgeous, though obviously shy, avoiding eye contact in favor of work.

See dive log…

After showering, we sit by our section of seawall while waiting for dinner, watch a large bat swoop and beat its wings awkwardly, landing among the heavy bunches of leaves, causing the drooping branches to sway almost imperceptibly. One fish chases another in the calm waters, appears to catch it, judging by the disappearance of dual ripples. The sky darkens as the sun sets on the other side of the island, obscured by the trees and cloud layer beyond, and the mosquitos begin to bite. After another wine as our new German friend enjoys a Bintang, we head to dinner, nearly the same meal as at lunch.

I watch for the girl with delicately prevalent ears, tuning in and out of the conversation strained by loud live music as I once again eat much more than I should. My inner ear, having acclimated to boat rides and underwater weightlessness, feels an inexorable seaborne sway, even sitting in a solid wooden chair on dry land. It occurs to me that this not-quite-imagined drifting is the visceral manifestation of an underlying lifelong sensation.

We don’t linger after dinner–the music is too loud and not of our taste. Though it’s still early, the day was long and the sky is dark, so we walk back to the bungalow and get ready for bed. While waiting for my bathroom to become available, I sit outside in the warm night air considering the infinite complications we’ve built into an otherwise simple existence, how, like Urizen, the constant classifications and compartmentalizations we make in life can push us further and further away from it. The water gently laps at the seawall and my heavy eyelids lap at my alertness.
The morning begins with the sound of snoring, my German bunkmate’s, and the restlessness that comes from a good night’s sleep on an unpadded mattress. I have beaten my alarm but not the sunrise, so I quietly pad into the bathroom to brush my teeth and catch an early breakfast.

Arriving with my renovated family, it becomes clear that we aren’t the only ones with the same idea, as the dining area is already as film as it had been at dinner. I take a simple if incongruent breakfast of fried rice, hardboiled eggs, a small bit of fish and chicken, and pancakes drowned in syrup, alongside a slurry of instant coffee and a cup of juice-flavored sugar water. An unusual meal for me, but it’s satiating. Flies buzz about and congregate on a plate of broken eggshells and the chalky balls of yoke I tend to avoid. I count eleven at one point, before they scatter as I reach for my caffeinated sludge. My favorite employee to watch is back, and I catch another staring at me and hold the eye contact for a second. It’s tough to tell if she scampers away because she has work to do, or if Boleh––perhaps that should be my new name––has made her bashful.

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Stargazing

To be lost and to have lost
Such a slight difference in semantics
Spans experiential orders of magnitude

To seek or to find
Lost in a sea of strangers
Small cities pulsing to these rhythms

To relate those tones
Sounds of PA systems
Cheering crowds in abandoned Theme Parks

To the passing touches
Shared hazily in the dead of night
Sleeplessness bred with anticipation

A sweaty, lazy day spent skipping work
Dreading the cross-country drive and uncertain
Outcomes of distance and time and space

Shared wonder at a connection
Unlike no other we’d ever felt
So brief and overwhelmingly deep

Staring into your eyes
And feeling your soul
Waking others in the process

Unexpected
Spell-binding
A sentimentalist’s dream

Wishing to go back
To that day or any of the minutes
Desperate to relive them

The distance spanning
Between those moments
And these desires ever-growing

Thousands of miles
And untold existences in between
Unknown yet so painfully present

The space between conversations
Lapses between laughs and smiles
How it carves itself into my chest

Emptiness returns
To fill that space, humiliation
At yet another failed attempt to love

Telling friends and parents
It was a false alarm, the girl in Kansas
Might have only been a fantasy in real life

Cursing changes
I can’t quite place
Guesswork at what separates hearts and souls

To go from promise
And ecstatic futures to dark
Sullen disappointment

Fumbling to understand
What one can do from world’s away
Or how there can be nothing to do

Read receipts weigh
On the mind, lack of responses
Build a new sort of anxiety

Things don’t seem fine
The future fades
Along with aspirations of a greater intimacy

Wondering now what you knew
Whether you were sad to leave
Or sorry I didn’t know it would end so soon

Thoughts drifting through the days
Hopelessly away from this life
And toward fleeting caresses and kissing your neck

While you moan and dig fingernails
Into my arms and back, cursing pleasure
And muttering my name

Locked eyes giving way to goofy smiles
And loving, tender kisses, which give way
To intense rekindled ecstasy

It sweeps over me
And I’m drawn back into despair
The thought that I’ve discovered a new loss

The cruelty of life seems evident
In how hard I’ve tried to find you and finally did
Only to have you wander wordlessly away

Suddenly no reply
Suddenly no photos no sound of your voice
In the middle of the night before trying to sleep

Shame at feeling so lost
Over a false discovery
Made by a weary adventurer desperate for a new homeland

Unable to reconcile
The surety of our hours together
With this certainty that they have passed

Struggling to handle
Such a remote isolation as this
No way to confide meaningfully

To share with another
The depth of this perceived loss
The extent of this water crushing me

To be lost and to have lost
To be losing and having lost
To kneel before magnitudes I can’t fathom

The sea of strangers rages on
The swells unrecognizably arhythmic
And this struggle to be lost continues

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Work haiku

Lunch interrupted
And a missed call, voice message
detailing email

Explain exceptions
to set true expectations/
damn no good fraudsters

Defining limits,
separating unity/
harsh parameters

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Entire days spent chasing suits
that don’t exist
and serve no purpose,
Tearing money out of pocket
just to find
door-like cable box––
A bleary disillusionment
sweeps like ice
across kindled hope,
And each bit of anxiety
falls away
and turns to anger
At wasting days under pretense,
swindled out
of dear volition

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The Pythagoreans

“It’s never a good idea,”
they told him sternly,
“to urinate towards the Sun.”

The forms are inverted,
flipped on themselves
to reveal untouched states

Breaths in deep cold splitting
like fractal patterns
in frost spanning the windshield

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Thoughts on Biographies about Salinger, Beethoven

Striving for greatness,
or an inner peace;
Dreams of creation
versus an actuality
of their destruction?
Nature carved to fit
the shape of minds,
the form of transience––
raw intangibility
etched into granite,
like a perversion
of entropy:
endless impermanence.
The quest for recognition,
or its avoidance,
is a clash between
opposite poles
of the artist’s psyche,
North and South
oscillating wildly,
setting moral compasses
spinning like cyclones
of self-doubt and
self-aggrandizement.
In the confusion
of roaring winds
a deafness sets in,
exposing the shrill
sound of passion,
oblivious to worries
of fame or fulfillment,
its steady tone
calling for resolution
and restlessness,
exerting an indifference
to existential dread,
that pointless question
formed in a world
of absolutes.

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Thoughts, 1/2/14

No apparent change
beside the calendar page/
renewed urgency

Cloud like tidal wave
sweeps over rivers, pastures
bringing wind and cold

This year will be
more even than last, riddled
with odd imbalance

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A Timely New Years (P)review

I can’t believe it either––an update, by me, about the new year, right on New Year’s day? Impossible! Oh, but the world shifts ceaselessly, and anyone seems early once he’s late enough. So here’s a quick review of my year, and perhaps a prediction or two about what might happen in 2014:

As I recall it was a good, if not antisocial start to the year. A former coworker was having a party-slash-new job celebration, but my girlfriend and I fell asleep at something like seven-thirty only to wake up a half hour before midnight, so we stayed at her parents’ house and went to sleep shortly after breaking into the year. A couple days later we made the drive back to Florida, driving all afternoon and night, finally hitting Sarasota sometime in the afternoon. Later in January we went to Disney World, where I lost my mostly filled notebook, and then I started working at the art museum founded by John Ringling with his wife, Mable, coincidentally called the John and Mable Ringling Museum of Art. It was probably one of the quietest experiences of my life, and I’d certainly never stared so long at Renaissance art before. In March we went swimming with manatees in Homosassa. Despite a more than well worn wet suit with no neoprene in the chest or underarms, it was magnificent. We decided manatees are the lap cats of the aquatic world. A calf even nose bumped my face.

When April rolled around I made a seventeen hour drive starting in torrential Floridian downpours and ending in a chilly Texan Spring evening. Neither I nor my big orange and white cat ever want to undertake that drive without companionship again. I spent a few months reading inane essays written to inane prompts and living in makeshift quarters or other people’s houses, and began a semi-public haiku study.

The end of September saw our family’s last days in the Austin townhouse. A few weeks later, as Texas slipped into Fall, I traveled to Indonesia just in time for the start of wet season. It was actually the first time I’d been outside of the US, save for a long weekend in Baja a decade ago. I mostly spent the month eating all types of food, traveling to nearby places (including Singapore), missing my girlfriend and cats, and learning to scuba dive. Much of this is chronicled in my posts from November, check them out on the right side of my page.

I came back to the States at the beginning of December, just in time for an In-N-Out to open in Austin, and for a month of scoring STAAR tests. So my year boils down to a few paragraphs and thousands of omitted details.

I would talk about the events of 2013, but, save for some incremental progress on social issues, the most memorable were abysmal, depressing or tragic, so let’s spare ourselves.

My life is somewhat disjointed as the year begins. My years of travel and transience have ended; now it’s time for a satisfying job and a nice place to live. It’s also going to be a watershed year for my creative endeavors: I plan to start freelance editing as well as finally assembling some large scale works and increasing my poetic presence. Keep an eye out!

Well, my time’s up, and the year won’t pursue itself, so I’ll end things here. Happy New Year!

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A lapse in discipline

Trudging through weeks of
uncharacteristic cold,
pen succumbs to frost

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$12/hr

The hourly wage,
watching cents add up almost
as fast as your bills

A dim afternoon
looms like lost prosperity,
a chilled breath escapes

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Land of Opportunity

Now return home,
resume your economic
anxiety

A world and an age,
for which I am not suited,
taunts incessantly

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Worlds away from worlds away

A night’s sleep squandered
on dreams and reality
filled with mosquitos

Semi-circles carved
by the squat waves and rip tides
lining the whole beach

Rocking with the swell
upon a traditional
Sundanese wood skiff:
wooden planks, earthen
waterproofing, its posts worn
through by sliding ropes

Small pink fish, tip
yellow, organs screaming from
decompression–
A moral crisis
spurred by such recreation,
this common pastime

Skin-diving under
heavy swell: surge toward rocks,
and wither like fear

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Riding to Southwest Java

Two dimensional
mountains shift to their true depth,
emerge from the sky

City smog recedes,
and palm tree forests arise
along the steep slopes

Jagged landscape
plunges into crashing sea
heavy as lead

The last light dwindles,
flattening our distinctions
to strip all meaning

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Remaining days dwindle,
and empty aches loom over
the coming sojourn

Though distance will hurt,
the sustenance will remain
from previous weeks

Cool rooms
like barriers
wither

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A Journey in Progress

1.
Across classrooms and countries,
through careers and over continents,
along siesta beaches, winter swamps,
oily shores and fluorescent grocery aisles;

Through the streets of unlearned cities,
over and over and over bridges to the sun,
whether to fantasies in the skies, awash in clouds,
or slums accosted by half-wit lunatics;

Despite separation and self-induced suffering,
days spent pondering broken hands,
queasy nights anticipating the worst,
cursing perseverance and stubbornness;

There is no other path to follow but this one,
no other beacon but the first, the callipygian,
that heart, body and mind chose that day,
forging undying allegiance to shapely hips.

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Jurong Bird Park/Garuda Airlines

His day-long headache
discoloring carefully
cultivated calm

Morning rains
give way to a stifling sun
and bird calls

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Soaring over Singapore

Regard harbor lit
with strings of vibrant townships
floating out to sea

Circular steel
parallax arches slowly
through violet sky

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Annoyance
growing more by the complaint,
just relax

There’s only one
person I can stand daily;
her name’s Betsy

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Rejuvenation
of old favorite rappers
brightens boring days

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Diametrically Opposed Motivations

Excoriate
over lack of work ethic
and ambition:

contemplating
my hypocrisy over
recognition’s

meaninglessness
while still refusing to write
for my pleasure

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Notes upon departure

Oily silty water leaks onto uneven sidewalks, a crowd of wet sandals waiting to depart to relative paradise. Wealthy Indonesians, foreign tourists from Japan, Germany, Australia, America, all fleeing the stench of smog and littered rivers.

Dense bands of trash––plastic bags, wax coated cartons, plastic silverware, cans, bottles, cups––floating on the face of the water like the strings of the universe, expanding and contracting with the current.

Toilet only slightly better than a hole in the boat; there is no seat–squatting only–a single handrail for stability crossing the chop.

Vessel’s green interior mimicking submersion under cloudy skies, air flow amounts to breathing through a straw at depth.

Container ships casting heavy wakes born of deep drafts, the ripples of international commerce; LNG vessels, lined with spherical tanks full of frigid low-pressure liquid; dingies and traditional bagan, floating precariously like the local economy, propped up on makeshift platforms of bamboo stilts.

The city retreats into smog, blue sky emerging with distance from the myriad high-rises and office buildings––monuments to the truest of human creation: absolute destruction.

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The longer I am
away the less I miss those
things I left back home

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A restless sleep,
followed by a lethargic
weary morning

This country is full
of memorable faces,
but fewer asses

The sun emerges
only to dash behind rain,
and greyness returns

He finally feels
the language of eye contact
and nodding the head

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Shacks and shanties
constructed of corrugated
steel brown with rust

Tiny shops crammed
right up to the road selling
master crafts

Hoovervilles spring up
like tropical vegetation amid
sleek high-rise buildings

Hectares and hectares
of executive housing
sprawling greedily

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His hair trimmings
litter the floor like remains
of butchered beasts

Indignance wells up
at obvious instruction,
spurs agitation

Unhealthy concern
over the slight discomfort
scratching at one’s throat

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Idle days spent
idly anticipating
days to come

Panic to recall
one’s license plate number from
thirteen thousand miles

Criticism and
tedium meet while taking
defensive driving

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Thoughts waiting for lunch

Interaction
solely through screens kills semblance
of connection

Poetry
written in boredom stagnates
silently

The monotony
of classroom settings floods back
as recollection

The vagrant avoids
the prolonged eye contact of
spellbound local girls

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It’s not broken
English so much as it is
fractionated

Goodbye my young
Balinese friend, let us meet
in other nations

Annoyed endlessly
with others’ demands upon
my recreation

Part of growing up
is learning how to say no
with enough resolve

Incompetence
of foreign airlines stirring
up deep ire

Skipping haiku
sows doubt in poet’s mind and
existence

Scuba diving–
finally a scientific
outdoor pastime

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Topography
of clouds traced across the face
of sinking Sun

The swell strengthens
and captivation sweeps
serenity

An old passion
diminished but not destroyed
now reignites

Two Bintang
unsolicited, though one proves
more quenching

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Lunch with a view

A dozen hours
spent succumbing to slumber
in a rented room

Wake up to heat
subtly excoriating
under the sun

The rising tide
skips over outer break,
crashes on shore

Real pork bacon
quarantined from other foods
in Muslim lands

Celebrity
for no reason beyond skin
color and looks

Disinterested
and drowsy, fighting against
this lethargy

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Successful movie
formula: many effects,
distinct lack of plot

Oh well, I love
Natalie Portman too much
for harsh judgment

Multi-level malls
like overgrown cathedrals:
the new religion

A struggle rages
between introversion and
adventurousness

In the end, Bali
and the prospect of solace
overrules the dread

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Celebrations
of sushi and family
now extended

Recommendations
of resorts on paradise
seem to be heeded

Watching this city
one feels an expanded sense
of imbalanced wealth

A week of rains
cast away by azure skies
wide as the sea

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Traffic, or
Arterial congestion,
Stops the heart

More time at malls
than monumental spires;
wayward tourist

Any impressions
of tennis proficiency
fully dispelled

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UTC +7:00 (Jet lag arithmetic)

[Greetings from Jakarta! To make up for my weeklong absence here are more haiku than usual.]

Airborne sunset
orange burning like tensions
between our gods

Depthless ignorance,
perplexion upon entrance
to airport restrooms

Don’t eat with left hand:
the key to understanding
toilet-side hoses

Practical habits
encoded in Law now grown
mostly obsolete

A French family
with pretty daughters staring
at me discreetly

Oryx lounge refused
U.S. dollars with small tears
one couldn’t avoid

The average bill
lasts just nine changes of hand
before destruction

Eight more hours
flying over India
and its ocean

Excitement mounting,
at first signs of the Indo
Archipelago

Exoticism
felt truly for the first time
passing through customs

Stepping from AC
to thick, wet and heavy heat
and long lost embrace

Snail’s pace traffic,
small beeps of horns to alert
changing of lanes

Motor bikes, scooters
passing through gridlock as sand
passes through machines

Such stark contrast,
shanty towns built up in shade
cast by mansions

As expected, running
into language barriers
in malls, cars and gyms

But that’s what I get
for speaking none of seven
hundred dialects

Fulfillment
found rekindling family
so distant

Two days lost,
five more of delirium
pressurized

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Duty free in Doha

Appreciable
fractions of days not sleeping
in airborne tubes

Eight thousand
Forty-three miles traveled;
Halfway there

What the fuck
are these sockets? The whole world
is crazy

Inundated
With our culture, Arab states
as paradox

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Departure
of body, though some pieces
stay behind

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Sleepless morning,
savoring snuggles before
the departure

Apprehension
settles, all encompassing,
wide like the sky

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Weather shifts
suddenly like switching
hemispheres

Falling into
Summer through Autumn, seasons
Sisyphean

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And the Ford Taurus,
like receiving a new heart,
sputters with new life

It’s named Moby Dick,
I am Ahab, but consigned
to poor Queequeg’s fate

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At the Ren-Fest
there are wenches, so many
wenches, homie

Not to mention
the multitude of drunken
nerds, geeks and knights

Some haiku
are just filling in space where
thought stagnates

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Still Dancing Through Sunday

After a decade,
band and fan still navigate
through hallowed seasons

Songs like memories,
vibrant with the lasting glow
of experience

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Bleeding cotton wings,
inanimate sting ray glides
through pinkened waters

I watch it floating
somewhere between porcelain
walls, endless escape

Wait for days
to minimize our mess…
Struggling sleep

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Proof those morons
can eventually lose
these arguments

Just a few months
until we get to do it
over again

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Sky muted grey
behind yellowing greens,
roadside nature

Beyond rows of brush,
parallax prescribes distance/
a sense of future

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Lightening

Note to self:
don’t forget haiku today,
And cat food

Two cats, furry butts
lounging and licking daily;
they’re living my dream

The semicolon:
misunderstood, under-used;
did I do it right?

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That strange tension,
tired but not exhausted,
muscles screaming

Caged existence
wearing on mind and patience
kills poetry

Difficulty
in waking up to rain, eyes
shut with patter

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Sadly, it will take
more than a night full of rain
to refill rivers

Distant lightning,
expose negative image/
cloudy edges

Lull in the rain
so it’s a race against time
to tow my car

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Squealing AC fan
or hot, balmy living rooms/
beggars get no choice

Days idly wasted,
consuming headlines, even
some commentary

One contemplates
the prison he’s built himself
into/under

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